My Approach

What if we changed our approach?

What if we could slow things down… and really start to pay attention to these scary parts of ourselves?

In therapy, I work with my clients to help them tune in to what is happening internally. When a client shares with me about a situation bothering them, I ask them to pay attention to everything happening inside. Things might show up as a thought, an image, a feeling, or a sensation in the body. We tune in to whatever shows up, which is our starting point.

What if we could separate these unlikable parts from our core selves… and take a closer look at them in a way that was safe?

There can be a tendency to just focus on one thing, such as anger, and to think it describes all of me. But it’s never this simple – you are a complex being. When you have a powerful emotion like anger or sadness, it exists as part of a system inside you. We need to learn about the whole system, including the other parts involved in the anger. And then, when we can get more aware, we start to ask these parts of ourselves an important question: what are they telling us?

Your anger means something.

Your shame means something.

Your compulsive behavior means something.

And when you can get to the meanings underneath, you also start to feel free from the overwhelming burden that these struggles carry. It’s not that you no longer feel anger – but your anger doesn’t overpower you. It has its right place.

Often what’s hard to look at is holding important information.

Maybe the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors you don’t like about yourself are actually clues – messengers, if you will – telling you things about yourself that could help you live a better life.

Example: You’re always on the move. You live with tension in your muscles, and you feel uncomfortable when you’re not accomplishing something. You’re always thinking about what’s next.

It might be telling you: “Slow down and let me breathe.”

Example: You’re holding your struggles so close to your chest – keeping it all to yourself. You feel alone like there’s a bit of a cavern right at your core. When you’re with others, you wonder what they’re thinking.

It might be telling you: “I need to connect with others.”

Example: You’re always doing what’s expected of you and ignoring what you really want to do. You feel the pull to think and act a certain way, but you aren’t sure why it’s there. You often wonder if others notice and approve of you.

It might be telling you: “I need to know that I am important to the people in my life.”

Example: You’re often giving up on projects before you’re halfway started – or not starting at all. You feel small and insignificant when you look at the tasks in front of you. You think a lot about all the things you’d like to do but aren’t doing.

It might be telling you: “I need to know that I can accomplish what I set out to do.”

This captures a very large part of my approach as a therapist.

Many of my clients find it helpful to think of themselves as having many internal parts. This framework can help them understand their inner conflicts – things that make them say, “Part of me feels this way, but part of me feels that way.”

When you slow down and focus on these parts in conflict, the source of that conflict often becomes clear. You start to understand where it comes from, why it continues, and especially what you need to resolve it.

In fancy terms, my approach is informed by Internal Family Systems and Attachment Theory.

But put simply, we’ll look at every part of you (even the scary parts) so that years-old conflicts start to make more sense!